*This blog was originally posted on 14 October, 2016.
I have more days than I’d like to admit where I set out with great intentions but by 6pm feel like I’ve achieved nothing.
Rationally, I know that’s not true.
I’ve done ‘things’: updated social media, replied to emails, various admin, even just research of the latest trend in video.
Even simply the fact I’m out of bed and sitting at my desk doing something is a little victory I learned to celebrate long ago.
But it doesn’t stop the guilt of
‘I haven’t done enough’
‘I’m not good enough’
‘I know I should be happy for XXX for achieving that thing but really when I saw her Facebook post I just wanted to cry because I’ll never be that good.”
I have a number of those women in my life, who most likely don’t realise how much I love-hate-love them and the things they do. It’s the kind of awe-jealousy-guilt that can make me feel so low it can be hard to get up for a couple of days.
But then there are days where you unspool the last week and realise that you are probably the awe-jealousy-guilt-inducer of the day.
I like to think I’m humble. Shy might be a better word. Female might be even better.
Sometimes I feel like I’m so conditioned to keep my trap shut so as not to emasculate a man, or brag because I wouldn’t want to seem stuck up (how unattractive!), or treat life like a competition where ONLY ONE WOMAN CAN POSSIBLY WIN, that I forget to celebrate my victories, great or small.
But the small victories are the ones that keep us going day-to-day, hour-to-hour.
They aren’t the ones waiting for us at the end of a pipe dream, but the ones that would hit us right in the face every single day if only we’d take the time to look up from our to-do lists.
So I’m looking up.
I’m looking back.
I’m going to use my win list to help me look forward, and appreciate where I am right now.
I’ve found this practice of looking back and taking stock of what I personally have achieved and what Pickford has achieved as a whole incredibly enlightening. Our monthly vlogs have given me the chance over the last six-ish months to realise that yes, we are growing, we are achieving, I am getting closer and closer to reaching goals and I am also smashing through goals I didn’t even realise I’d made.
In all honesty, today is a bad day for me. It’s an anniversary I’d rather forget but can’t seem to, and I went into today believing it would be bad.
I also had a few experiences this week where I felt overlooked for opportunities.
I know they say that it isn’t personal, it’s business…. but fuck, it feels personal sometimes.
It was only the fact that I looked down at my to do list and realised there were more crosses-outs than needing-to-be-crossed-outs that pulled me out of my own head and actually made me the happiest I have been in quite a while.
I’ve found the spark again.
I’m relighting the fire.
I’ve been up til midnight and back up at my desk by 7am again just like in the early days, and I can’t help but feel like I am sitting riiiight there on the cusp of something awe-some.
Coupled with a few incredibly love filled emails, this afternoon I actually did a happy dance in the office. (I have read the phrase ‘I did a happy dance in my office’ so many times on mummy blogs and I have ALWAYS called BS, but alas, there I was. Dancing. In my office. On my own. Smiling my fucking head off.)
I will no doubt have another love-hate-love, awe-jealousy-guilt experience in the near future, but I’m going to do my best to not discount all the things I have done, and also send them a love message so they too can happy dance all the way into their weekend.